Life is Gouda (Hah. Pun)

The cheesiness doesn't end in the title. This is a really lame-o cheesy poem I wrote when I was bored out of my wits while taking a mock exam for a major university. (Yes, you can see how determined I was then)

You used to fight off all of my dragons--

A prince on a mighty steed.

You'd chase away all those shadows 

And be there for all my needs.

You scaled the walls of my tower

When I was a damsel in distress

In the dark, behind you I'd cower

While you'd shield me from my weakness

A jolt struck my hand from yours

As you hoisted me from my captor's domain.

We ran past traps and gates and enchanted doors

And laughed as we finally escaped my world's bane.

The tower no longer held me

Though my dreams it tortured now.

Of man and walls and law I was free 

But to you my heart would still bow

This poem is obviously unfinished. And I'm not too sure if I'd have a gouda moment soon enough to reach this piece of poetry's conclusion but yeah! This is sorta kinda what I'm feeling right now. Partially since the poems unfinished and all... um, yeah. Okay. 

Silver Linings

Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my entire life.

Okay, it didn't start out too well. I've been nursing a flu for days now and it was killing the
 crap out of me (yes, nebulizers, meds, loads of water, the works...). To intensify the 
crappiness my body was enduring, I was stressing over one of the biggest things that can 
possibly happen to me in Senior Year: finding out who would be Editor-in-Chief of the 
school paper. 

Yes, other people might not see it as too much but I totally stressed over it. 
(Food projectiles down the toilet included.)It started out as a horrid day but some people,
 (36 of them, in fact) turned my frown upside down. 

Here comes the part where I try to express in words how much I love my classmates. It's a
 hard task so bear with me.

These 36 people, consisting of elites, jocks, weirdos, gamers, nerds, otakus, bookworms,
 socialites, etc. are just the best group of people I could ever imagine spending my 4 years 
of high school with. Without them, I would've probably lost my sanity long ago. They're an 
anchor that keeps me grounded and calm. They support me in ways that may seem mean at 
first (like not letting me eat as I'm trying to diet) but only do because they know it's what's 
best. I love these people fiercely and I know that I wouldn't be who I am without them. 

Now, to cut to the chase, and speaking of being who I am now, that afternoon ended with 
club meetings and a mass sponsored by my class. I ran to the school chapel after "the 
moment of truth" during club time. It took me all my effort not to tell anyone yet as I 
entered the chapel. But as the mass ended, and everyone was peppering me with 
questions, I had to. 

They gathered around me and counted down. It went like, 3---2---1------------ and I say, 
"EIC ko," in my calmest voice possible. 

I was overwhelmed to the point of almost crying in joy when my classmates all screamed 
and hugged me. It was a surreal moment. Really. We didn't care who saw us or whatever. 
It was just us and class pride. I was moved almost to tears (Then they started demanding 
that I buy them celebratory snacks). Oh, 10-Wisdom.

There are barely enough words in the world to describe how much I'd be lost without them,
 how they mean so much to me and how much I love them

Corny, I know. But yeah, they deserve cornier. :) 

Heeeeeere's 10-Wisdom

A Quickie on Being Yourself

So, I told you to be yourself in front of her. 
Can I be myself in front of you now?

Day 13: Your Opinion On Your Body and How Comfortable You Are With It

I don't like being fat. I swear I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm fat. I always avoid answering how much I weigh, what my jeans size is, etc. I hate how people would look at old pictures of me and simply say, "What happened?"

I GOT FAT. 

Doy. 

I act so nonchalant about this. I mean, when people suggest I diet or do something about my weight, I brush them off with a laugh or a smile. They think I never take these things seriously. But if you were in my shoes, how many lectures about the dresses you can never wear or the high risks for disease or times when you're given just half of what you want to eat can you take before running to the bathroom to cry? You get the picture

It's for your own good.

There is no one-liner as sickening as that. I've cried so many times because of how uncomfortable I am in my own body. 

But anyway, it's been a while since I've felt truly pretty in my own skin so, I'm trying. Yeah. That's the word. 


Trying.

Understanding Me (Or Trying To)

Don't Wanna Cry by Pete Yorn

▶

[Click the fancy play button to hear the song. Seriously because that's how I feel right now.]

My feelings are all over the place right now. In my head, all over my writings, on my Twitter account and it's bothering me so much that it's bothering other people. God, I just wish there was an easier way to talk about how I feel. So far, the song's the best and safest way for you to understand.

So, how exactly do I feel? Listen to the song and try to pinpoint the feeling you get after knowing the words to it. You think you'd be getting a different feeling, right? Well, I'm guessing that that feeling you get is how you think I'm feeling. (Whut?)

Okay, I'm exceedingly confusing at the moment because I myself am confused. 

How far is far? How distant is distant? How close can you be to something before you realize you've been standing too close to it to understand? (OKAY. Whut?)

It's still pretty much hard to tell. Okay, so just listen to the song and tell me what you think I think I'm feeling right now. 

Day 12: 5 Guys You Find Attractive

Huehuehuehue. *Insert fangirly giggling here*

OKAY! 

It's time I do a countdown. [Though it breaks my heart to say some of these guys are hotter than the others. I STILL LOVE YOU CELEBRITY HUNKS WHO I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO MEET]

5. Josiah Hawley. Yes, he's Sunday Morning guy from The Voice. Oh, I just have this thing for cute singers. Plus, he had great song choices. *swoon*
Too bad he was outed too early. :(

4. Alex Pettyfer. Everyone's classic pretty boy--blonde hair, pretty eyes. Plus, he's played a STRIPPER. Omg. *fangirling*

3. Zac Efron. From HSM cutie to Charlie St. Cloud. Mr. Efron has been making me swoon since tween-hood 'til now. Teehee. Such pretty eyyyyes. 

2. Speaking of pretty eyes, here's Chace Crawford. Teehee. Seeing the troubled Nate Archibald he was in Gossip Girl just does no good to me and my hormones. (whoremones*) 










And speaking of Gossip Girl:

1. ED WESTWICK! He's Chuck Bass [period]. (Oh, and season 1 Chuck with the scarf is best way to portray the infamous MotherChucker)

OKAY! Hardest post to make EVER. To end it, here are a bunch of other hot guys who I cannot bear to rank:

[Yes, Jamie Bower twice]

Do your ovaries still exist?!

(Teehee)

*drools*jabbers*dies*resurrects*marries mentally*dies again*

Day 11: My Family

It's hard to write about people who mean so much to you. I have a dad who pushes me too much when it comes to Math, a mom I always argue with and a sister who almost never listens to me and thinks I'm a dweeb. What do I actually love about them?

Everything. 

Family is family no matter how crazy, stressing, arguable, disagreeable, harshly frank, etc they are. They are the only person that I know and am sure will never leave me no matter what I do and what I become. 

Yup, this is a cliche post but I swear, it is hard to write about people who mean so much. 

Eh.

[Warning: This post might be too gay for your taste but yes, I need to vent.]

This isn't something I'd normally say outright on the worldwide web but what better place to turn to than a place where people can just judge me behind their computer screens and not in front of me. Yes. I sound like a scared little bitch. 

Have you ever thought of just wanting to disappear and never be seen? Like, getting that recurrent thought every single day?

Have you ever thought no one loves you/cares for you/likes you even if you have loving family and supporting friends everywhere? 

Are there 10001 ways to kill yourself in your mind and you're just too scared to try?

Were you emotionally strong once and now are surprised by how easily you cry over things?

Masochistic? Like emotionally and physically?

Sometimes, okay, most of the time now, I just feel so empty inside. I laugh, I cry but I don't really get to feel the extents of the joy or sadness in those times. I dunno. It's been so weird feeling all this. 

Hard to believe, right? In school, I laugh the hardest, I scream the loudest, I smile a lot but yes, I feel empty. 

It's been years like this, come to think of it now and I guess the vacuum somewhere there in me is just getting stronger and stronger. I feel estranged from even the closest persons to me. Sometimes, I just lie in bed thinking of what a stranger I've become to them and what  a stranger I've to myself. 

Ugh. Yes. This post is crappy and I haven't expressed myself the way I want to and all but have you ever felt like this too?

No?

Oh.